cYniCaLme

Whew…

Yesterday, was a pretty tiring day for me. I had to go to school early because of a case presentation. Then, afterwards go to the Capping ceremony of Aeolus 2010 to sing together with the UERM Nursing Ensemble at their thanksgiving mass and then suddenly be invited by our Dean to once again, sing at the funeral of U.E.’s Chairman P.O. Domingo. I was happy the ensemble is having a lot of exposure.

But one thing that made me so tired yesterday was to face our conductor and his intimidating attitude. I’ve been assigned to sing the solo part in the song “Luwalhati sa Diyos” because I was the one familiar with that particular part of the song. I am confident that I know the song well because we always sing it in church. What I was not confident about was the fact that I haven’t done any solos before. I used to join singing/chorale groups during my high school days but never was I given the opportunity to sing on my own and having everybody as my back-up and besides, I’ve been an alto, and an Alto 2 for that matter, eversince, I was only promoted as Suprano1 last year during the summer. I thought there was always a first time for everything so I thought it was okay for me to do the task. Never did I thought, that until now, I’m still not over Sir Rey’s way to motivate people. He is the only person that could cause me SEVERE Anxiety. Whenever I’m given the chance to showcase what I am able to do in front of him, alone, I just keep on getting nervous. The other day, I started to tremble and my heart pounded like crazy. Yesterday, looking at him while singing just made me think like I didn’t know what I was going to do…more like a mental block out. I wasn’t able to do everything if I wasn’t taught on the spot or there was nobody guiding me. Good thing, Ma’am Alma was there, she’s Sir Rey’s friend and she had this amazing voice, she comforted and taught me. She told me that I was having the “First Time Soloista Syndrome” and she understands what I was feeling. But, I just couldn’t relax and when I sang the first part, I went haywire. I got the notes all wrong everything was off-tune. It was embarrassing and depressing on my part at the same time. I got everything right on the second part and was able to sing it well but still…

I cried after that. I was so down and I felt like I made a fool out of myself to think that I was going to pull this off. I guess it was all wishful thinking. I wanted to go home and cry myself to sleep. Our conductor always get mad at me…I guess, I got used to it. What I can’t get used to is my imperfection. I had to have someone tell me that it was okay, you tried your best. There’s always a next time, you can do better. They did tell me, but I felt it was useless…I thought I was gonna feel that way all night. I never thought that all I really needed was the same thing coming from Sir. During the sign of peace, he squeezed my shoulder and smiled at me while saying “Peace”…and I felt relieved. I can’t believe that it was all I’m waiting for.